Can we be truly authentic?
Does authenticity exist, or is it just a nice idea?
As I heal and peel back the layers of my unconscious, I have become increasingly aware of the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that I hold. And this has led me to wonder…..
“Can we truly be authentic if, from a young age, we learned to behave in particular ways to please others or avoid harm?" Does this behaviour not become part of our personality - our wiring? And in doing so, do we ever really know who we could have been without it - can we ever be our true selves?
I hope to answer some of my questions!
Let’s start with the meaning of authenticity. In the literal sense, authentic is an adjective, and according to the dictionary, it means ‘of undisputed origin and not a copy, genuine.’ We often see the word bandied about on social media as if it’s a lifestyle choice, something we can simply have or be! However, the road to authenticity is more nuanced, far more complex, and layered than merely choosing to be authentic!
To be truly authentic (if such a thing is even possible), you have to peel back the layers of conditioning, coping, and belief systems that once kept you safe. You have to let go of the ‘roles’ you cling to, the identities you have built to survive, and the stories you’ve told yourself about who you are.
What once protected you may now be the very thing making you feel stuck, anxious, resentful, or lost. You have to release who you are to become who you want to be, but there is a cost. Authenticity asks you to risk your sense of safety for the sake of truth, and that may not be easy!
Authenticity requires self-awareness and the courage to be disliked. It’s about taking responsibility for how you feel, think, and behave. It is the courage to own your life, even when it means unlearning everything and becoming someone that your peers, colleagues or family may dislike. But unlearning is a time-consuming process, and safety will always take precedence. Your survival brain will pull you back to old patterns and ways of being, keeping you safe, even if you want to break the pattern.
The moment you try to be the 'real you’, your brain goes nope, this isn’t safe, we need to get the fuck back to the old ways! They are safe (even if they are destructive and unhealthy) because they kept you alive! Aarrrggghhhhh!
Authenticity is something that we have to uncover after years of conditioning.
Authenticity is not necessarily comfortable or inviting. You have to be willing to risk rejection. You have to risk being ousted by the pack if you choose a different path (something I am familiar with!). You have to be willing to break free from patterns and behaviours that are no longer serving you. And that, my Substack friend, is the challenging part!
We adapt to our environment to be safe, seen, and heard. We choose behaviours and beliefs that protect us (or so we believe!) However, over time, this “adapted self” becomes an integral part of our personality and survival, so we struggle to let it go! Why would you want to let go of the traits that have kept you safe? So, where does authenticity start? It starts from the inside; being authentic is about knowing yourself, being true to yourself, your values, feelings, beliefs, and desires. It’s a process of unlearning, remembering that we were not born people pleasers or perfectionists, and choosing to be vulnerable, to speak our truth, and honour how we feel about aspects of our lives.
Carl Rogers proposed that authenticity is about congruence; when your internal world matches your external behaviour. When who you are inside aligns with how you present yourself, that’s psychological health; when there’s a mismatch, suffering creeps in.
Authenticity is not hiding behind masks, it’s not people-pleasing, or performative behaviour to be liked. It’s the opposite of living a life to fit in, to be liked, or to meet others’ expectations. But you must make a conscious choice to be yourself, which is not always easy! It is a choice that you make every day to show up and own your life, including your decisions, reactions, and mortality.
It is about giving yourself permission to stop performing and start existing without judgment, recognising what you need moment to moment and the impact you have on the world.
But there is a paradox that accompanies authenticity. The very act of trying to “be authentic” often pulls you awayfrom authenticity. The more self-aware you become, the more tempted you might be to curate, manage, and shape how you come across to others. This creates a paradox.
You want to be genuine, but you’re trying to be authentic, and in the process, it feels fake because you filtered your face and AI’d your script! The second you start trying, you’re no longer just being genuine; you’re performing authenticity. You’re curating it, not being it! You lose who you truly are!
Social media encourages performance, amplifying the paradox of authenticity. We’re human, and as humans, we want to be accepted, liked, and validated; we yearn for it, and our survival depends on it. Social media gives us a platform to be loved, liked, and accepted by our tribe. We post the version of ourselves that is most palatable to our audience. Not the one that is our true self! We try to “be authentic.” After all, your likes depend on it!
I understood from a young age that if I performed, I would make others happy, as if it were my job or role. I can pinpoint the moment that it happened. This has extended into my adult years, misbehaving, doing wanky things and getting hammered - it made people laugh. While the performative aspect (not the getting hammered!) serves me well when I am coaching, running workshops or delivering content, it also immobilises me.
It makes me question whether others have enjoyed what I offered, as I bounced up and down in front of them, cracking jokes, or if I have upset or offended anyone. My performance is an exaggerated version of myself. I am not being myself if I’m performing to gain likes. I am generally covering up the anxiety or fear bubbling beneath the surface! However, maybe this is who I am.
We live in a world where being honest about our thoughts, feelings, or beliefs can come at a cost. We should not be afraid to speak our truth, but we are. Authenticity shouldn’t be dangerous, yet in a culture built on conformity and rules, it often is!
Our world claims to value truth and freedom, yet punishes those who speak it, or who do not adhere to the dominant narrative, or who disagree with your way of thinking. Dare to express an unpopular (or even popular) opinion, question the narrative, state a scientific fact, or share your feelings, and you’re quickly silenced, shamed, or labelled. We become shunned by the very tribe we want to be accepted by!
So, how can we be truly authentic when society, or the people we surround ourselves with, cannot accept who we are beneath the layers of perfectionism, people-pleasing, hyper-achieving, control, or fear?
Erich Fromm’s take on authenticity proposes that it entails a radical, often painful act of becoming fully human in a dehumanising world. Fromm believed that to live authentically, you must become fully, consciously human in a world that constantly tries to depersonalise you, through consumerism, conformity, shallow connection, and fear-based systems. We have to move from having to being! From getting and striving to being and receiving.
Most people live in the “having” mode rather than the “being” mode. We are always trying to get! Get more, be more, do more! You only have to look at your social media feed, listen to the news, or pick up a magazine or newspaper to be witness to it. We must protect and monitor ourselves so that we are not sucked in, but this can be a challenging task!
For many of us, authenticity wasn’t safe growing up. If you expressed anger, you were punished. If you cried, you were ignored or shouted at. If your needs were too great, you learned to suppress them. To belong, you become what others need you to be. But we crave connection, and this doesn’t just disappear; it is part of who we are.
You learn to perform, to make others happy. To please. To disappear. To be perfect! You chose safety over self. You learn to hide who you truly are. I certainly did.
When we’re young, our brains prioritise attachment over authenticity. Our sense of authenticity is intricately intertwined with the interplay between the brain and the nervous system. Gabor Maté explains that authenticity is a biological need, just like attachment.
“When we have to choose between being authentic and being accepted, we will always choose attachment because, as children, attachment equals survival.” – Gabor Maté.
Maté says we aren’t born inauthentic; we become inauthentic to stay connected, loved, or simply unhurt. If being yourself puts your attachment at risk, your brain shuts down the “self” part. That involves suppressing emotions, needs, and even our personality traits to stay connected. When authenticity and attachment conflict, when being our true selves risks rejection by others, we tend to prioritise preserving the attachment. This is not a choice but a natural survival instinct! It keeps us alive!
So, can we truly be authentic? In a world where social media dominates and cancel culture prevails, our desire to be liked and respected by others often takes precedence; so perhaps not. Authenticity as a concept is beautiful, but it isn’t always safe. As humans, we crave connection and love; therefore, in my humble opinion, it is not always possible. We will seek safety and connection.
Society says 'be yourself,' but only if that self is agreeable, palatable, and easy to digest. We live in a world where freedom of speech is threatened, where expressing ourselves, challenging the status quo, or simply speaking our truth can be met with discomfort, censorship, rejection, job loss, or shadow-banning on our TikTok account! So, why would you be yourself when you are witness to the very thing you fear?
To be authentic, you have to peel back the masks you've worn to survive and show up as someone you barely know yourself in a world that rejects you when you are true to who you are.
While survival instincts are still in control, authenticity cannot be a fixed state; it must be continually cultivated. You don’t arrive at the authenticity station and live there forever. You have to rebuild it slowly, with gentleness and repetition, not pressure, because your social media feed says so! And there will be times when you slip back into old programming; that’s inevitable.
Authenticity is about being real enough, in a space safe enough, to be what is beneath the layers of conditioning and beliefs that have kept you safe. It is about feeling safe and secure enough to be your true self. But what is our true selves?
Can we truly know who we are when so many of our beliefs about ourselves have been shaped so young? Can we truly let go of them all? No, I don’t think that we can; we can try, but with a brain and nervous system built for survival, we will always have a default.
So, can we be authentic? Perhaps we can’t, but maybe the key is not to try, and perhaps it's just to ‘be’ sometimes. As long as we do not harm ourselves or others, maybe that's all we need to do.
Stop trying to be authentic and sit with who you are!
Notice how you feel about life, love, your relationships, and what about your job, do you like it or loathe it?
Do you think your actions cause harm to others?
Are you concerned with how others see you and the likes on your social media feed?
Start with whether or not you like yourself! And if you don’t change it!